Mai Pen Rai Ka

I’ve been wanting to update my blog for a few days now but I’ve been distracted by endless pages of reading and the haunting thought that May will be the end of my undergraduate career, ay dios.

Before anything, I want to say that Koh Chang was significantly soothing in many ways but one. I returned to my dorm room on Saturday morning feeling rested, relaxed and ready for the second half of the semester. The first morning on the island, I left my inexpensive bungalow and trekked down the mountain it settled on to lay under the sun, next to a perfectly-heated pool. Right behind this pool-the most crystal water I’ve ever seen. Hoping to get a tan, I lay there and felt happy that I could finally finish A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. For the past couple of weeks, I’d been reading it before bed but falling asleep after a mere few pages. To finally lay down with absolutely nothing to do but that felt really, really good!

After only minutes though, I could not help but feel a sense of guilt- a feeling difficult to shake during the remainder of my trip. I am not sure if “guilt” is really even the right word but I am having trouble identifying what it was that was making me uncomfortable. I think my main concern was that in Koh Chang, I was not a student. I was a tourist indulging in the inexpensive pleasures easily accessible to me in Thailand. I spent 7 days on an island that revolved around “farangs,” the Thai word for foreigner, where knowing Thai was not necessary because almost everybody spoke some English and getting pizza or a burger wasn’t a mission for it was available at every restaurant.

The Thai and Southeast Asian Studies program aims to teach its students about Thailand’s culture, social struggles, history and traditions. My inability to completely enjoy myself when hanging out on this beautiful island surrounded by so many other foreigners was not so much strange, it was a result of everything I’ve been learning in the classroom. Even though I am here trying to learn the language and the culture as much as I can, in the end I know that I am still a foreigner and essentially, a tourist. During this trip that feeling tripled but I also realized that my friends (and I am sure other foreigners there too) and I had a really special advantage. We understood the importance of keeping the effects of tourism in Thailand in mind and continued to practice cultural competence and respect.

In the end, my time in Koh Chang was a time of reflection but also a much-appreciated and scenic break. I had a wonderful time and finished reading a book that is now a part of my all time favorites! I spent the mornings on the beach, reading, eating and my nights watching the stars, drinking Chang beer with some of people in this program that I have developed very meaningful friendships with. I even developed an unexpected addiction to banana roti, a really sweet and delicious desert in Thailand, which is strange considering my very inactive sweet tooth!

I'VE MADE A DECISION

On another note, because the past couple of months have been filled with so much excitement, suppressing feelings of anxiety regarding post-graduation life has been easy. During my fall break though, I decided that it was time for me to make some moves. Deadlines for graduate school and other alternatives are right around the corner. Over sticky rice and chicken, I nearly broke down when my friend said she was ready to go into the “real world,” people speak of so often. Initially, my reaction was “I’m not” but then I was like “oh shit, I should probably start thinking about it too.” I am still not sure about a lot of things but I have made one productive decision and that is that within the next few days, I will complete my application for City Year New York, an Americorps program for the year after graduation.

My decision to apply to this particular program was highly influenced by my experience volunteering abroad. As I mentioned in my very first blog entry, I am in Thailand to learn from the people of Thailand and show appreciation for the community that has welcomed me by getting involved in community projects. I am not in Thailand to impose my values and ideals onto others. That does not mean that I will or never have shared my opinion or values, but I would never force anybody to think the way I do. I am also not here because I pity the people of Thailand or feel that I, as an American have something incredible to offer. Quite frankly, I don't think I do. I am still working on developing my own ideas and opinions. Moving on to my original point though (I can't stop rambling!), after this experience I am still unsure of where I stand regarding international service and service within one's own culture. In other words, my perspective on where I want to be is bound to change. While living in Thailand though, I've been inspired by the efforts of people to facilitate change within their own communities. Although I don’t expect to change the world, I feel motivated to get involved at home, in neighborhoods and schools similar to my East New York childhood home. I want to learn more about the city I grew up in, how it works and what needs to be changed in order for all to equally benefit from our right to education.

With so many other thoughts taking over my mind, my feelings of homesickness aren't as intense as they were a few weeks ago. I still miss my family so much and continue to feel thankful for their supports and encouragement during my semester abroad. Only 6 weeks remain until I leave this incredible place. The thought of it makes me sad but I am excited to spend the next few weeks exploring the rest of beautiful Chiang Mai.

To my friends at New Paltz also preparing for their last semester of college, I am keeping all of you in mind and wishing you all luck as you too explore what it is you want. And if any of you are feeling the way I am, mai pen rai ka. It means "no worries," "its nothing," or "take it easy." The phrase is heard all over Thailand and when I've expressed my concerns to my Thai friends, they simply say this and remind me that no matter what, it's alll good and it will all work out.